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Hand Over your Heart

Friday, August 19, 2011

I could do so much...

If I just had the time.
I feel like I'm wasting away at work. It's a steady pay check, and it's benefits ( that I rarely use )...
but I'm wasting away there.
Sitting at a desk every single day... waiting for work to appear in the form of a walk in, a phone call, a faxed order to fill...wasting.

I could be painting. I could be listening to creative source. I could be journaling my plans of teaching others the art of healing through paint. Through creative source. I could be .. I could... do so much if I were willing to take that chance. To set forth an actual plan and do it.

But I have my hubby. And I have my baby girl still dependent on me and me paying bills and that means me.. not working with creative source. That means me.. getting up. Getting dressed. Getting into the car. Getting to work. TO sit. To wait. To waste away the hours.

I am so very saddned. So very frustrated. I need a change. The weight is coming back on (well lets face it it never left)... and I feel myself slowly back into the shell. It's all so difficult to let go isn't it.
To just let go and be.
What if I fail.
What if I can't pay my light bill.
What if my husband doesn't approve.
What if my daughter thinks I'm a failure.
What if what if..
I could do so much... so so much with my time but would I?

Or would I be transfixed on the notion of having to come up with income suddenly. Having to actually have a plan that WORKS and for me to actually work at it daily.
No longer just painting, creating just for me.. waiting for inspriation to hit. Having to force it. To get it. To find it. To use it .. daily.


Makes my head hurt and my stomach turn.

And so.. I will take this weekend and do what I need to do to get the house, and myself and baby girl ready for the busy week of school and work again.
And will I have time to paint. Will I make time to paint.. will I have the energy to paint, to create.. to make a plan.
Probably not.
Ah.. well.. there's always next weekend to make a major change.

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