You sure must be strong...

Love such a simple thing that we do... with nothing to prove....
The Shins- Simple Song 

if you haven't heard it. Go. Listen to it. Let it marinate. Listen to it in a loop.
It does the soul good. Seriously. Go.
You're welcome.

This week plagued with 2 major migraines. Not fun. Hubby working out of town. Not fun.
Art journaling. Fun. I think I am .. dare I say.. finding my palette. Finding my "style" my "nitch".
Or not. I dunnow. Why do we have to label things. It's just a necessity really isn't it? To fit it all into organized and neat and easy identifiable containers.

I miss. ALl the time just miss.
I miss my kids being little.
I miss my son walking down the hallway and saying in his funny voice "Hey Mob"...
I miss my daughters crooked little ear and the way she'd yell for me when she was hungry... her fragile little body, constantly in my arms.. she was like an appendage.
Severed.
It's something I am really struggling with.
Trying not to fill the void with food. That was hard to type. I almost wanted to hit the backspace but decided I better leave it.

I have no idea what I will do when Rhiannon moves out.
The thought just crushes me, and leaves me with an icy cold feeling in my chest.
Deep breath. One thing at a time Kitty. Be nice to yourself. Don't overwhelm yourself. Be kind.

Are you being kind to yourself where you are?
WIth the upmost care and attention, love and kid gloves?
I recommend it.
It's highly underrated.

"Don't go thinking you gotta be tuff and play like a stone.. could be that there's nothing else in our lives so critical..as this little home"....
The Shins. Simple Song.
go and have a listen.
and be good to yourself.
right now.
wherever you are.

I hope you ate cake...

You would have been 14 today.

Cake and balloons and candles too.

I don't know if you would have seen the candles. As I never knew if you could actually physically see.

I don't know if you would have heard the birthday song. As I never knew if you could actually hear.

I don't know if you would have liked the taste of the birthday cake... because you only drank pediasure out of a bottle and rice cereal and sweet potatoes...

I miss the smell of sweet potatoes on your little breath.

And oh that crooked little ear.

How I miss whispering songs, love, prayers, gratitude in that little crooked ear of yours.

I hope that you had a big party today.

One that celebrated the life you lived, and the lives that you saved.

You saved this one. No doubt.

And you in turn saved brother and sisters lives too.

Our little Angel on Earth you were.

I hope that you had a big party today.

With balloons that you could see.. in bright colors and streamers.

With candles SO big that you could see...and you blew them out with strong lungs.

Not lungs weak with pneumonia and RSV.

And a back that is not curved at the spine so you can BLOWWWW those candles out and make your wish.

I hope you ate cake, the most delicious cake you've ever tasted...with extra...everything.

With no threat of aspiration... with teeth that do not cause you pain.

And.. I hope you danced. In all glitter.. with your blonde curls bouncing and your huge smile... and that you laughed. You laughed and laughed and laughed.

And you were celebrated. Celebrated for the amazing sacrifice you gave... to save little ol' us.

Happy Birthday Dear Audrey Elizabeth.

Happy Birthday to you.

-Love Mama