2011.. I bid you Ado.

Me!

I have survived. 

This year I saw my son break down and then build himself up through perserverance, strength and love.

He graduated high school.... cut all his hair off... started working and turned 18.

This year I saw my daughter slowly turn from a teenager into an amazing strong, beautiful, caring young woman. She has found ways to overcome sadness and anger from her past, and risen to meet every single challenge put in her path.

This year I grew closer and closer to my best friend and Husband Adam, I watched as he became an amazing pillar of strength and love in our childrens lives, and work hard on improving his ways of living.

I am a blessed woman to live in the same universe with these 3 amazing individuals.

This year.... I died with every heart ache my children endured, cheered with every triumph they achieved and marveled at the level of love that I feel for my husband and him for me.

This year... I said goodbye to a horrifying past... told the truth and set myself and my children free from ever experiencing that level of evil in our lives again.

In the process I gained friends, and a renewed respect in myself.

This year... I painted, I drew, I pasted, I wrote songs, I wrote poetry, I cooked, I baked... I enjoyed

I gained weight, I lost weight, I began at the gym, I stopped at the gym, I made plans, I broke plans, I had goals some achieved others not even close.

This year... I started counseling.This year... I  STOPPED apologizing for being me. Fat. Skinny. Ugly. Pretty. Stopped apologizing. Started loving, Me. In "as is" condition.

2012-- you have big shoes to fill as overall 2011 has been as horrible and as wonderful as years could get.

Here's to living it up, letting it go... finding the peace... and loving unconditionally... yourself included.

I love you all that were apart of this journey this past year. Some, Pillars of strength for years now..and I know years to come, and others were fleeting in to do their magic and have since fleeted out.. all of you from the very bottom of my heart . Thank You.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Witness

Los Osos Valley Road Sunset 12/29/2011

Tonight driving home from a very productive day at work...a 4 day weekend winking at me...
I was bathed in pink/blue light from the sunset.
That ol' familiar country road ... looked completely like something out of a movie.
And it took a lot of energy not to pull over & just stop and stare.
And I thought afterwards...as I watched the pink turn into orange.....

I should have stopped.

After all how many sunsets will I witness in my life time?
Maybe that was my last.

When I have opportunities. When I have moments that I can spend in awe of greatness.. like an unfolding sunset, I shall take it. Another promise to myself for this year.
Simple. Done.

Me. 2012. Lion Hearted and awed.

Deserving...

there she stood wings spread heart open
d e s e r v i n g ...

What makes one deserving?
Is it a life of hardship...deserving reprieve.
Is it a life of hard work...deserving reward.
Is it a life of sacrifice.....

Oh and we say... well how dare they have ______ or how dare they _____ they don't DESERVE that.
I deserve that more than they do... I .. a/b/c.
Sad to say this is a normal ego centric knee jerk we got going on in our brains at any given time.

Who is deserved?
You are.
I am.
We are.
They are.
She is.
He is.

I deserve the life I have chosen to live. I firmly believe that we are here on this planet because we chose to be here.
I do NOT believe that we are undeserving when we enter this life.
That we are somehow..unclean, undeserving, unworthy.
That is the biggest lie ever told.
Quite the opposite.
We are SO deserving.
And so... you... reading this... remind yourself- daily, weekly, hourly if you must.
That you are deserved.
And smile.

Metaphorically speaking...

taken in Cambria California <3 it was a great day

Butterflies are a perfect set up for metaphors.
My favorite butterfly reference is a line from one of my very favorite bands Counting Crows;

"the butterfly in reverse here is me"...

I feel like that often times. Huge leaps forward and then, something sets me back.
A lot of the time it's just me getting in my own way.
Me. Just in reverse.
I want to take this moment to do a shout out to the reverse in me.
Sometimes you have to go in reverse to reposition yourself to go forward.
So with that in mind I will accept, not judge & remember the process.
This marriage to my Art Side, blooming and teeming with possibility will..eventually have to go in reverse.
Acknowledgment is the first step right?

Fly my butterflies.
Reverse as needed.

Who? You.

only owls say WHO.

Who says you can't?

Who are they to say what you can and cannot do.

Who are they?

When we say "they" WHOOOO is they?

"Well you know they say once your a certain age you can't..." fill in the blank there.. whose been accosted by this phrase with various endings? 

((((Raising my hand))))

And I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Who says you can... you say you can.

Who says you wont... you say you wont.

Who says you cannot... you say you cannot.

WHO WHO WHO?

Uh... YOU YOU YOU!

So stop blaming, stop looking for other ways out from "them".

Live YOUR life as YOU see fit.

Period and exclamation mark.

Oh... yeah but see I gotta wait until I have lost that weight and then ____________.

Oh yeah but see I gotta wait until I can buy that certain kind _______________.

Yeah but see, it's just not a good time I cannot spend time for myself because I have to ____________.

Who?

You.

What do you want out of this life, cuz it's whirling, twirling by....and it's inviting you to listen to YOU.

Not them...

Whom ever they are anyway.

:)

Hold it

my fav xmas decoration

I am surrounded by beauty.
I live on the Central Coast of California...where it's amazing beauty everywhere at all times.
We even kinda get some seasons here ... bonus.
I have massive mountains of moss to the right, the ocean to the left, national parks in my backyard...and LA a few hours south and San Fran <3 my fav a few hours north.

H e a v e n.

And then there is this house.
It's old, it's in serious need of repair...it's dusty and there is mold that I try to keep 1 step ahead of... most of the time failing miserably.
I'm an organized mess, I clean when I am going to have company and I have separate clothes piles.
One clean, One dirty, One not-so-sure.

M e s s.

And then there are the inhabitants of this wreck of a home.

One is so beautiful sometimes I could cry.
Her laugh is loud and strong.
She's honest to a fault and she's amazing courageous.
Social butterfly to a T.
16 1/2. Don't forget the 1/2 mom.
Oh my heart cracks wide open with love, adoration and pride for that little girl.
My Rhain.

One has a heart of gold.
Socially, withdrawn..only a select few... and when you're in you're in forever.
Smart as a whip.
Laugh that will melt your icy black heart.
And an ear for listening, and giving advice...sure to cure what ails ya.
And my cup runneth over in awe for that little man.
18 now mom. Don't pry too much. Back up. Give little man some space.
My Sunny.

See.. somewhere along the way Rhiannon was nicknamed Rhain. And Jake was nicknamed Sunny. And it's such a paradox. Rhiannon is definitely the more sunshiny one of the two. And Jakes is definitely more dreary.
My Sunny and Rhain.

And then..there he is.
My "holy shit I think I nabbed the last good one"...
A man who stole my heart to put it back together again.
He revers me. And I him.
He thinks I'm adorable and beautiful.
He thinks I am an amazing writer and artist.
He believes in every single thing I say or do or set out to do.
He dropped straight from heaven.
My husband. My Adam.
And my heart bursts into flame whenever he's around.

I wish for every single human being on the planet to know this love.
I wish for every single human being that HAS this love remember they have it, hold it sacred, cherish it.


And that is my wish for 2012.
To hold that and those that I love sacred.cherished.remembered.

Full of Wish and Lion-Hearted.

Embracing the notion...

Poinsettias are beautiful aren't they?

This morning I came to a realization.


Art is like a marriage.
You put your blood sweat and tears into it.
You get out of it what you put in.
Patience, loving kindness ... space... unconditionalness, truth.
Steady foundation for any prosperous, healthy marriage.
Art is like a marriage.

You might be saying, Yes yes we know this...
well me too little darling. Like I know that milk goes bad if you leave it on the counter.
It was knowledge. Seemingly useless.
Until this morning.

B A M .

Driving on my country road to work. The sun thawing out the frozen hillside, horses and cattle grazing while the Red tail Hawk sat like Watchers... providing safe passage...
it hit me.

So, I intend to cultivate this seed of my newfound  knowledge and let it grow.
Yes yes I will let it run dry at times, and weeds will get to it..but it will never die.
And it will always forgive my trespasses...my subtle neglect, because we are married.
I will hold up art.
And art will hold me up.
Art Marriage.

I am embracing this notion...-Lion Hearted

Oh my Word ....

My word for 2012 is LION-HEARTED

I have been pondering a word since last January...when I watched an interview with Will Smith and his word for the year was ALCHEMY. This totally intrigued me and I thought about doing this for the new year and then the year got away from me. Well not this year.... I am on top of it. Planning, scheming, preparing for the last two months. Had to go offline, had to surrender, had to do some patch work...and now I am ready... ready for The Book of Days w/Effy Wild... wont you join me?

Lion Hearted

Subtle she is not

she is Lion Hearted

getting to the root of it

the gritty tooth of it

binded only by the force of love that moves her

she is Lion Hearted

With a roar she meets the year head on

strong

unwilling to surrender

to all that was

unwritten and yet still

she has no thought of regret

her feet are planted and eyes are set

Lion Hearted 

she's me.